|Jonathan rarely allowed himself to be photographed, |
thus the date on this one!
The following post was written on December 26. I didn't post it then, but for those who are interested, you can read it now. It pertains to Jonathan. It is entitled, "When Love is Not Enough".
I've been mulling over this post for quite some time now. It's hard to put it into words, but I know someone, somewhere, needs to read this. You see, sometimes, love just is not enough.
Yesterday was a happy day at our house, filled with love, joy, gifts, good food, and family. Except for one. You see, our oldest son, who turns 18 in just a few short days, will not be in any of our Christmas pictures this year. He does not live with us right now, and hasn't for over three months. The reality is, he may never live with us again, but most certainly not for at least a year. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't go into detail here about the why, but he is in a residential treatment program. Prior to that, he spent three weeks in juvenile detention. Prior to that, he and his choices wrecked havoc on our family for 9 months of 2012. Harsh? Maybe, but it's the truth.
What's also true is that I love my son very much. He became a part of our family when he was six years old. For almost 11 years we loved him and taught him and guided him and loved him some more. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to break the hold his past has on his heart and spirit. We don't know exactly what has a hold on him, but we know he and his biological brother are what are called in the adoption world, "wounded children". There are many books written on how to "love the wounded child" and "parent the wounded child". But sometimes, love is not enough.
We went to visit our son yesterday with my parents, his grandparents. We drove 45 minutes one way to the facility only to be "refused" by our son. He has rights, too, you know, and his refusal to have contact with us is his trump card right now. But we wanted him to know that we loved him, and so we made the trip anyway, in hopes that maybe, he would change his mind. But he didn't. And it was hard. Very hard. For sometimes, love is not enough.
Where am I going with this post? I don't know. Except to say that adoption and parenting, and especially adoption parenting, is tough. Sometimes, really tough. But even if our son chooses to never see us again, I believe that he was placed in our lives for a reason. I also believe that we have loved him the best way that we knew how, and it was our love that pushed for him to have this one last chance before "adulthood" to get help for his wounded heart. Will he understand that one day? I hope so. But for now, we face the reality that sometimes, our love is not enough.
But we pray that, someday, our son WILL recognize that GOD'S LOVE is ALWAYS enough.